BABY PANKER REVEALED

'There's something in this room! It's been hiding in the playpen!'

The Caulkisses and Quodes clustered around my bunk.

'No!'

'Oh!'

'Oh no!'

They had shocked expressions on their faces. Melestrina clasped her hand dramatically across her brow.

'How horrible!'

'Dear, dear, dear!'

'You poor thing!'

Mr Caulkiss tut-tutted and Mr Quode was full of sympathy. Craylene fluttered and patted so vigorously that she dislodged her make-up and sent a cloud of powder into the air.

'It keeps watching me,' I complained. 'It was running around in my underpants.'

Mr Quode scooped up my underpants from the floor. He squeezed and fondled and felt them all over.

'Nothing there now!' He shook his head. His cheeks had gone quite flushed.

'Nothing to worry about,' said Mr Caulkiss.

'Relax and be comforted!'

'There there there!'

'How can I relax?' I was beginning to get angry. 'I'm telling you, it's still there in the playpen!'

'What is?'

'I don't know! You have to investigate! I want you to catch it!'

Still they hovered and dithered.

'Quickly!' I shouted.

Melestrina took her hand from her brow. 'So be it!' she declared. 'I go!'

And she went.

'Right at the bottom!'

Melestrina leaned forward into the playpen. Her massive bosom dropped over the railings and swung heavily back and forth. She dug down into the heap of toys and books and playthings.

'Hah!' There was something at the very bottom of the heap. 'What find is this?'

It was a toy bucket. She held it aloft in both hands. I could see tiny pink toes and fingers poking up from within, wriggling and weaving.

'What is it?'

'This,' cried Melestrina, 'is my only son!'

'Our only son,' added Mr Quode.

Melestrina clutched the bucket to her bosom.

'Panker!' she cried.

'We call him Panker,' added Mr Quode.

'Show me!' I demanded.

She came across and tilted the bucket so that I could see. Inside was a small fat baby, completely naked, like a mollusc in its shell. As the bucket tilted towards me, the tiny toes and fingers whizzed about faster than ever. And there in the soft creased flesh were two blue eyes, staring and unwinking.

'I see.' I tried to sound calm and rational. 'And why is he like that?'

'Like what?'

'Hiding inside a bucket.'

'He likes hiding inside things.'

'Such is his inclination.'

'Let every man be free to follow his own inclination!'

'Praise the Lord!'

'O praise Him!'

There was a shrill squeak from baby Panker. Melestrina lifted the bucket to her ear and listened. A whole series of little squeaks poured forth.

'What is it?' I asked. 'What's he doing now?'

'Baby talk,' said Mr Quode.

'What's he saying?'

Melestrina finished listening. She lowered the bucket to the ground.

'He says he owes you an apology. He's very sorry for having frightened you.'